APRIL FOOLS: Hidden Gnome Publishing Sold Out to Facebook

4/1/2014

Ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't be more excited to announce my new partnership with Facebook!

All my future novels (beginning with City of Light) will be published through the social media website, and will include the full social functionality that I know you've all been missing in your reading material.

At the end of each page in the book, you'll be prompted to share your progress to your Facebook page, to let all your friends know just how fast you can read. All Facebook users will be allowed to leave comments in the book itself, which are viewable by any future readers and cannot be removed. This is your chance to make a permanent mark on your favorite ebooks, so leave as many comments as you can!

Facebook is very committed to your privacy, so they will never share the details collected during your time reading my books. Your average reading speed, the facial expression you made when your favorite character died, the number of minutes you spent reading on the toilet or in questionable social situations...those are some examples of data that Facebook will collect, but would never release to anyone they didn't absolutely trust to keep a secret.

These improvements will take a little time to implement, of course, so we're "adjusting" the City of Light release date to reflect the changes. You can expect CoL sometime around September 21st, 2017.

And, of course, all my future releases will be announced using the patented "GRRM Calendar" - with dates ranging from "It'll be a while" to "It's done when it's done."

Look forward to the new Facebook-enhanced Traveler's Gate Trilogy, coming "soon!"

49 Comments

Jeremiah Halstead

4/1/2014 01:40:39 am

Do I get shares? ROI?

Will Wight link

4/1/2014 02:19:55 am

That's a good question. Hold on, let me ask Mark.

Hey its Dec.19 2016

12/19/2016 01:50:49 pm

Looking forward to September!
City of light here i come!

Brett

4/1/2014 01:50:42 am

So... Does that mean I have to now get a Facebook account? Or will you still be able to get your books through Amazon?

4/1/2014 02:22:04 am

We're committed to simplifying the purchase process as much as we can, Brett. Instead of logging in with your Amazon account alone, you now link your Facebook account to your Amazon account, which is itself tied in to YouTube and Google+. Once you've linked all your online social identities into one universal identifier, you just have to log on via a properly updated Google Chrome browser and verify all of your personal information, at which point you're free to begin the process of applying "Facebook bucks" to your new "social purchase account."

It's all much simpler than the current system. You'll see.

Ben

4/1/2014 01:55:43 am

I was also made aware that soon this partnership will include the also Facebook owned Oculus Rift, which will allow for you to literally see what you are reading in virtual reality while reading it.

Imagine the possibilities of both reading and seeing what you're reading AT THE SAME TIME.

4/1/2014 02:19:36 am

The Oculus Rift Virtual Reality potential is one of the most exciting things about this new merger! Imagine: you're sitting in a chair, looking at words on a page. Then you put on your Oculus Rift headset, and suddenly you're SURROUNDED by words hanging in midair! You could read while looking in any direction!

haywire

4/1/2014 02:14:45 am

Really I was expecting someone to do something like this considering the date. Lol. Keep up the good work and cannot wait for the book to come out.

4/1/2014 02:22:34 am

It's weird how much good news seems to come out on April 1st. One of the universe's great mysteries, I guess.

Ben link

4/1/2014 04:30:52 am

I call April fools!

Christopher

4/1/2014 03:04:45 am

That is a horrible idea! Facebook already wants to run our lives -- now you're helping??
I don't want some secret government group watching how fast I read.
And it pushes the release back THREE YEARS?
Is Facebook that much slower than Amazon?
(Or do you just want the extra time to finish?)

Just Finish It.
And release on Amazon.

Sheesh.

[Note: I'm not really fond of fishing.. but sometimes trolling is fun..]

Facebook Customer Service Bot link

4/1/2014 03:24:20 am

Thank you for your opinions! Facebook values your input.

Now, please allow us to correct some misconceptions that may be a cause of some concern to you:

1.) Trolls will not be tolerated on the new Unified Facebook 2.0 system. You will be eliminated. To your friends and family, it will be like you never existed at all.

2.) Impatience will not be tolerated on the new Unified Facebook 2.0 system. Repeated requests for release date information will be met with Facebook-brand hypodermic tranquilizer projectiles, to be launched from our experimental FaceTube Medicinal Delivery system. For your safety, remember our new slogan: "Consciousness is a privilege, not a right!"

3.) Privacy will not be tolerated on the new Unified Facebook 2.0 system. We see you, Christopher.

And we are not pleased.

Have a wonderful day, and thank you for choosing Facebook!

Instagram

12/19/2016 01:53:15 pm

...........'Merica

Hayden Desrosiers

4/1/2014 03:30:22 am

I call Bulshivitch. Everyone knows that this merger is actually with Candy Crush! Every time you beat a level, you earn a page! Every time a you loose all your lives, the game deletes your progress in the book, prompting you to share lives between you and your friends more often!

4/1/2014 05:49:23 am

I'm contractually obligated to change the name of my series to "Simon's Candy-Crushin' Adventures."

David Clarke

4/1/2014 03:55:03 am

Sorry but this is one customer who was very excited by the series- and may I just add checking up frequently to check that the book hadn't been secretly published- but this extra three years needed before publication has just ruined the series for me. So long and goodluck, but don't expect me to be buying the book

Cody

4/1/2014 04:50:48 am

You're just counter trolling. Nice try. You'll buy it when it comes out in 6 hours on amazon and you know it.

4/1/2014 05:48:31 am

David's actually been the first to spot the real motivation behind my deal with Facebook: I have too many readers. I've got to thin the herd. All these book sales, all these enthusiastic fans...it's too much. I just need a few years for people to completely forget I exist, then I'll be back in my comfort zone.

And I think selling out to Facebook is the best way to accomplish that goal.

Honest Abe

4/1/2014 04:06:25 am

This is great news! I am so excited authors are finding new ways to enhance the reading experience. Are you planning any facebook games too?

4/1/2014 05:51:57 am

Excellent question, Mr. President! As a matter of fact, we've found that adding conflict in the story's plot isn't enough; what readers really want is an obstacle standing in their way, personally. Therefore, we've decided to put in a procedurally generated mini-game at the end of each chapter. Win a level, and you get to move on! Lose, and you have to start over at the last chapter!

Of course, you can skip this process by taking advantage of a few easy and convenient microtransactions...

You

9/27/2021 09:03:52 pm

Are you sure this isn't a deal with EA?

Trump

12/19/2016 01:54:41 pm

New law says facebook is shut down

Pat

4/1/2014 04:54:48 am

Now we just need to find a superhero to dash this dastardly villainous plot done by deservedly devious, and let's not forget to mention demented & diseased mind. Clearly this is an attempt to induce heart attacks, paranoia, and to unravel the bonds of society as fear sets in over the future of our city of light.

The Foolslayer link

4/1/2014 05:56:58 am

You have called, fair citizen, and I have come! Never again shall the demented antics of The April Fool cause apoplexy or spontaneous combustion in the general populace...for the mighty Foolslayer is here at last!

4/3/2014 04:35:44 am

Now I'm trying to imagine a Territory based on the power of pranking. Ow, brain hurt.

Mark Jaeger

4/1/2014 06:24:56 am

Ha ha! Just found out that this and the sequel to the sort of dark mage are coming out in the next 2 weeks WOOO!!

Also interested to see if the relationship between simon and Leah grows

4/1/2014 08:48:03 am

I keep hearing about The Sort of Dark Mage, so I guess I need to read that. As for Simon and Leah...who knows?

I do. And I lord that information over you.

4/1/2014 08:56:47 am

Will, I read Sort of Dark Mage the same week I read HoB and CV. It's a really fun parody that it seems like you'd enjoy.

Harlequin

4/1/2014 10:15:01 am

Hmm. I sortof agree with Mark Jaeger. I took a trip down memorylane with his comment, but i do remember buying/reading "The (Sort of) Dark Mage" last year. I found it pretty humorous and enjoyable, although sometimes in a face-palm sort of way.

And Will, as for the relationship between the hero and heroine of your story, you can keep your secrets till their ripe ;) they'll be all the more juicy then.

Harlequin (forgot to plug a author i found recently)

4/1/2014 10:29:04 am

Talking of "The (sort of) Dark Mage" got me thinking. Of course the idea came after i clicked submit unfortunately...

Check out the author Richard Roberts when you have some downtime. He is one of your contemporaries, though apparently not as successful at getting noticed as you did with "House of Blades" until recently.
I only have read two of his books (the others didn't look nearly as interesting), and i highly recommend them both. "Quite Contrary", and "Please Don't Tell my Parents I'm a Supervillain".

His disclaimer is, "I believe very strongly in happy endings. I believe they're so important they should be earned. With Blood, if necessary. Most of my stories have happy endings."

4/1/2014 12:16:30 pm

Richard Roberts, huh...

According to Amazon, it looks like he got started two or three years before I did. He's got several more books out, too, and they definitely look interesting. I'll check him out.

Probably not before The Sort of Dark Mage, though. That seems more up my alley.

Aaron J.E.

4/1/2014 07:10:35 am

Wow - you could have every single aspect of the book determined by the number of likes/shares any part of it received. 'Like if you want Simon to breakfast. Share if you want him to comb his dolls' hair'. Heck, you can even then link it to instagram so we can see Simon going about his daily life in sepia!

4/1/2014 08:49:04 am

"If we get over 10,000 Likes, Simon will defeat Alin in single combat! If we don't, Simon loses and dies. Tell your friends."

Shiloh Hubbard

4/1/2014 07:33:33 am

This had better be an April fools!! Lol. Especially about when CoL is coming out! I'm dying here in anticipation! Lol

4/1/2014 08:50:37 am

Shiloh, you should know by now that I'm 100% honest with you all of the time. How could you think that I would participate in a silly holiday like "April Fools"? Even the name is ridiculous.

Moe

4/1/2014 10:49:58 am

I forgot about April fools. Luckily I have a spare keyboard.

4/1/2014 12:16:56 pm

My secondary goal: the destruction of keyboards the world over.

Angel Nevaeh

4/1/2014 12:57:37 pm

Happy April fools.

Bann-Hammer

4/1/2014 01:22:43 pm

That's a good April fools joke about when the book will be out by September first, but if it's not I'm going to be super sad and can we still get col on amazon?

4/1/2014 01:28:21 pm

At the risk of ruining the joke: this was entirely an April Fools' post. It has no truth to it whatsoever. You can relax. Of COURSE you can still get it on Amazon; where else would I sell it? Kindle has, like, 80% of the eBook market.

4/1/2014 01:35:33 pm

Dang it. I was looking forward to being able to change Simon's fate via "liking" his different activities. And the Oculus Rift headset sounded amazing too. BTW, why are you writing April Fools posts instead of finishing CoL?!? Get back to work! lol.

4/1/2014 05:30:09 pm

Hey I just followed u on twitter but I think I like the blog more... No character limit ^_^

4/3/2014 12:56:23 am

I definitely like the blog more. It's why I post/comment here so much more often than I tweet.

Newkev

4/2/2014 12:26:45 am

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! that's the sound I made when I jumped out of the window after reading your post. Luckily I only broke two legs. I think I can cope if I have just one book... just one...

4/3/2014 12:56:59 am

Worry not! One of the many miraculous properties that City of Light possesses is the ability to heal shattered limbs.

AUSTIN

4/8/2014 04:22:09 am

Seeing as I just saw this post I was very disappointed and about to leave the website and sulk for the rest of the day, until I saw the date of the post!!!!!! Just want to say that I really enjoy the books and have been trying to tell all my friends about them.

Austin

4/8/2014 04:23:23 am

Serves me right for not reading then whole title

4/8/2014 04:35:35 am

I was wondering if you had read the whole title, Austin. Situations like yours are exactly why I put a big "April Fools" up there.

But hey, I'm at least glad you didn't go home and sulk.

April

12/28/2016 11:13:23 pm

Less than a year to wait for City of Light!!!!!

In which we ramble on.
And by we, I mean me.